what gone what not

after one late sleep in, after 2 scoops of nutella, after one bowl of porriage and 2 sushi's, after talking a lil to mommy n han (huge improvement btw) and finally after visiting the toilet, here i am, in my room, sitting against the green wall with my laptop propped against me. im too lazy to on the fan and i hear the wind howling through my window.



today hasnt been very good. i go to a webpage, see something, feel my heart drop then decide to turn off the com. ( not very effective since i on-ed in in less than 10 minutes again) im spacing out.



im moving. yes again. and this time, i doubt anyones gonna find it.

i need to find my true friends. those who really love me and care.

iv tried methods to come clean. to try looking at the positive views of live. but fuck.

i end up brooding over sad stuff again.

i never find answers to what i want.

no one seems to care enough. and i dont want to go confronting and pleading for people to please take a look at me, pity and love me. god, whats happening.



heres my final link my link

the worst

this has been the worst fight yet.
all harsh words coming out.

and now i dont even know if things will get worse.
i walk towards rthe house door expecting a scolding that would at least make me feel better but no.. you open the door, not even looking at me and walk straight into your room.
i dont know who's in the wrong. but now, the anfger i have filling in me is really too much to take.
i wanna go away. to someone who takes more intrest in listening and understanding my explanations.
if u, as someone so close to me can completely ignore and disreegars how i feel.
now as i sit here, my throat is as dry as the desert and my tummy growling like a lion.
why? cos ur out in the living room and im too tired to face you today. hence, the food and drink that would cure my symptoms are so near yet so far away from me.
last night,for the first time in these 8 mths not talking to papa, i really wanted him, i needed him to open his door to let me in cos u wouldnt.
i feel like running out of the door cos living in this house without any communication with you is killing me.
i doubt you thought of what i was feeling when u ditched me at 2am.
i had to keep smiling and making myself laugh just to try to ignore that ache in my tummy.
for the first time, i hate you.
now, i hope my dehydrated body can just last me till i press the "puplish post" on the bottom of the screen.

what

i find it so hard to trust you.





















































all my walls are caving in

duh-ed

ok so yesterday in school was a pretty unproductive one.
asked to be excused frm pe cos was feeling bad.. haha spent the time talking to ira and irene who were also excused frm pe. hehe
then back for chem was was boring! and kinda pekcheking cos like alot of things mrs * says i dont understand. so like fuck it.
then was poa where we did corrections. then recess. stayed in class.
eng aftr recess. boring again followed by assembly which was conducted in the computer lab.career guidance. i saw this job and i got quite intrested in it. floor manager at oosh-dempsy BUT the post is gonna be taken by some lucky adul out there ):
i hope i do get to come across something like that again in future..
math was cancelled..
so walked with char to the cutecute shop which sold cutecute things to buy cutecute stuff. haha!!
then home.
felt realllllyyyy bad! so decided to go nap... then time flew and the doorbell rang and kongkong came. then went back to sleep and darryl gugu arrived. then ate a lil then went to doc.
we WALKED there. like omg. and the wait was reaalllyyy long. but quite ok la. spent the time talking to gu and i finally managed to tell him wads been bothering me. or at least one bit of wads been bothering me. im gonna heed his advice and fix wad i blasted.
so like he told me wads up and down with him too.,
more ups than downs nw for him i guess.
happy for him!
my beloved too-young-too-be-an-uncle




so like yes, i know iv spoilt it. screwed it, fucked it up
i have to fix it.

so...

no emo post today. hehe. writing it out wont do me any good would it.
so anyway..
today was kinda boring.. woke up real early cos i tgot there was tution..
so like helped with the housework a little then realized teacher andrea was not feeling well so tution was cancelled. spent most of my day reading the new harrypotter book.
so like i was just thinking.
the first harry potter book i picked up frm a popular store before a flight for a holiday seemed like trillions of years ago. then i got hooked n continued picking up all the other books. then i recalled how excited i was everytime a new book was released and how i preordered the book then happily picked it up from borders. but now this is the last book ready. sadness. im reading every page like i'll never read again. ): oh well.. then darryl gu came in the evening.. and after dinner we headed to j8. hehe we were sitting at the open space, and suddenly i had the urge to vomit. mso it just came out. and that dumbdumb offered his jacket to wipe my vomit off!!! like ewness please!! then went to admiralty to pick hannah up frm grandma's house.
then bot supper n now watching some boring show with them..

beats me why hannah wants to visit them.
all these while they'v been silent
not even adknowlaging our existance. and out of a sudden, they just turn around n say they miss us?
im sorry i just cant bring myself to go face them.

dont match

what i feel is not what i wanna type.
so till the wind changes..

how

somethings are just really not fair.