what gone what not

after one late sleep in, after 2 scoops of nutella, after one bowl of porriage and 2 sushi's, after talking a lil to mommy n han (huge improvement btw) and finally after visiting the toilet, here i am, in my room, sitting against the green wall with my laptop propped against me. im too lazy to on the fan and i hear the wind howling through my window.



today hasnt been very good. i go to a webpage, see something, feel my heart drop then decide to turn off the com. ( not very effective since i on-ed in in less than 10 minutes again) im spacing out.



im moving. yes again. and this time, i doubt anyones gonna find it.

i need to find my true friends. those who really love me and care.

iv tried methods to come clean. to try looking at the positive views of live. but fuck.

i end up brooding over sad stuff again.

i never find answers to what i want.

no one seems to care enough. and i dont want to go confronting and pleading for people to please take a look at me, pity and love me. god, whats happening.



heres my final link my link

the worst

this has been the worst fight yet.
all harsh words coming out.

and now i dont even know if things will get worse.
i walk towards rthe house door expecting a scolding that would at least make me feel better but no.. you open the door, not even looking at me and walk straight into your room.
i dont know who's in the wrong. but now, the anfger i have filling in me is really too much to take.
i wanna go away. to someone who takes more intrest in listening and understanding my explanations.
if u, as someone so close to me can completely ignore and disreegars how i feel.
now as i sit here, my throat is as dry as the desert and my tummy growling like a lion.
why? cos ur out in the living room and im too tired to face you today. hence, the food and drink that would cure my symptoms are so near yet so far away from me.
last night,for the first time in these 8 mths not talking to papa, i really wanted him, i needed him to open his door to let me in cos u wouldnt.
i feel like running out of the door cos living in this house without any communication with you is killing me.
i doubt you thought of what i was feeling when u ditched me at 2am.
i had to keep smiling and making myself laugh just to try to ignore that ache in my tummy.
for the first time, i hate you.
now, i hope my dehydrated body can just last me till i press the "puplish post" on the bottom of the screen.

what

i find it so hard to trust you.





















































all my walls are caving in

duh-ed

ok so yesterday in school was a pretty unproductive one.
asked to be excused frm pe cos was feeling bad.. haha spent the time talking to ira and irene who were also excused frm pe. hehe
then back for chem was was boring! and kinda pekcheking cos like alot of things mrs * says i dont understand. so like fuck it.
then was poa where we did corrections. then recess. stayed in class.
eng aftr recess. boring again followed by assembly which was conducted in the computer lab.career guidance. i saw this job and i got quite intrested in it. floor manager at oosh-dempsy BUT the post is gonna be taken by some lucky adul out there ):
i hope i do get to come across something like that again in future..
math was cancelled..
so walked with char to the cutecute shop which sold cutecute things to buy cutecute stuff. haha!!
then home.
felt realllllyyyy bad! so decided to go nap... then time flew and the doorbell rang and kongkong came. then went back to sleep and darryl gugu arrived. then ate a lil then went to doc.
we WALKED there. like omg. and the wait was reaalllyyy long. but quite ok la. spent the time talking to gu and i finally managed to tell him wads been bothering me. or at least one bit of wads been bothering me. im gonna heed his advice and fix wad i blasted.
so like he told me wads up and down with him too.,
more ups than downs nw for him i guess.
happy for him!
my beloved too-young-too-be-an-uncle




so like yes, i know iv spoilt it. screwed it, fucked it up
i have to fix it.

so...

no emo post today. hehe. writing it out wont do me any good would it.
so anyway..
today was kinda boring.. woke up real early cos i tgot there was tution..
so like helped with the housework a little then realized teacher andrea was not feeling well so tution was cancelled. spent most of my day reading the new harrypotter book.
so like i was just thinking.
the first harry potter book i picked up frm a popular store before a flight for a holiday seemed like trillions of years ago. then i got hooked n continued picking up all the other books. then i recalled how excited i was everytime a new book was released and how i preordered the book then happily picked it up from borders. but now this is the last book ready. sadness. im reading every page like i'll never read again. ): oh well.. then darryl gu came in the evening.. and after dinner we headed to j8. hehe we were sitting at the open space, and suddenly i had the urge to vomit. mso it just came out. and that dumbdumb offered his jacket to wipe my vomit off!!! like ewness please!! then went to admiralty to pick hannah up frm grandma's house.
then bot supper n now watching some boring show with them..

beats me why hannah wants to visit them.
all these while they'v been silent
not even adknowlaging our existance. and out of a sudden, they just turn around n say they miss us?
im sorry i just cant bring myself to go face them.

dont match

what i feel is not what i wanna type.
so till the wind changes..

how

somethings are just really not fair.

i wasnt mistaken.

i dunno wads wrong with me again.
so many things going wrong, nothing going my way.
iv dissapointed a lot of people. damn.
i dont know how to express wad im feeling ):







ok so iv been dargging this post for a looong time.
alot to say!!

im gonna talk about the 4 days in which the hongkong students frm shatin methodist college came to xinmin.

so that was on the 2oth of july.. friday.

after school went out with charmaine jiejie for lunch at the coffee shop. bakchormee. hoho dunno if i spelt it correctly.

and this is what i noticed.

charmaines bakchormee.

my bakchormee
as you can see, chars bakchor mee is completely filthed with chilli!! like LOADS of it. she took a total of three huge scoops of chilli and still complained it was not spicy enough!!

so i hereby knight her "chilli queen" hah.

ok then we went to the nearby mama shop to buy sweets and went back to school to slack.

went up to the hall after a while to watch and play abit of badminton with the 4n peeps..

benedict gave up playing with me after awhile cos i refused to run HAHA then went to the dnt workshop to watch them work on their projects. damn pro!

then finally the hongkong students arrived!!!

it was pretty awkward but it got better after awhile..

had a little "opening ceremony then toured xinmin..

me and joanne ALAF-ed trying to be mirror images of each other haha!!! xuee and weiting were like so embarressed by us!!!

after tht we had dinner at the rooftop garden in school!!

hoohooo we were like the first batch of students to dine up there.(:

much fun!

then we all left.. mummy picked us up and we went for ice kachang..

haha my buddy michelle and i share the love for durians!!!

then homed and slept..

next morning got up and left for school..

went to kampong glam and little india.. WAS WAYWAY HOT!!!

so like we had a lot of fun and if i wrote them here i think i wont finish even by tmr.

headed to marinasquare for a bit of shopping and the girls and i found the pillar which me and sister loves looking into cos it makes us look so slim!!! me and chaywei and joanne were having so much fun looking at our slim bodies!haha! then off to esplanade to meet everyone to go for steamboat!!

realized my ankle was swollen!!!!! its been too long and still my injury hasnt healed!!!

cos of this i cant exercise! cant exercise = fats not broke down = sarah is a fat blob. OMG

oh well. to make matters worse, there were 26 of us and so we decided taking the bus would be too much of a hassle so we walked to marina south! my goodness gracious me. my ankle almost killed me! and not to mention my bag which weighed like a pack of rice which has already cramped by shoulders.. oh well aaron was nice enough to help me carry..well, a group of us were walking in front and we rached like 10 mins before everyone else did.. the hk students said it was reall ytiring as they dint really have to walk that much in hk. haha

so then finally settled down and started eating.. cher and i went to the carpark to eat frenchfries and had a nice chat there.

then something way humiliating hapened.

so aaron was trying to guess my birthday

[which is 25 dec 91 for those doodaadees who dont know ): ]

and while trying that dumbdumb decided to take my purse to look at my ezlink for the date. omg i ran after him and then fell down!!! omgomgomgomgomg so embarresing!!!!!!!!!

in front of strangers somemore!!!

and it hurt like mad but i had to pretend i was ok.

ok well.. went home after tht.

SHAGGED

then sunday, sent michelle off to school so she and the hk students could go to sentosa then headed back home to get ready to meet char..

decided to eat at gelare for lunch. SHIOK

okok another thing to say. charmaine is wierd. everytime there is nice food, her goosebumps come out. omg and she gets sooo excited!!

hhahaaaaa!!!! so then bernie and aaron came to meet us halfway thru ice cream.

then walked around, went to the arcade then headed off to vivo.. walked around again then went to haagen daz to eat ice cream YET AGAIN

andandand the worst thing!!! we thought reggie, bernie and aaron wanted to eat icecream as well but turned out they just sat there looking at us!!

then they ate at long johns instead -.- omg waste our $$ on the icecream.

oh well... then walkwalk again and into num where me n char went to check out the hotties!!!!

met the hk students aft their sentosa and then went with the girls [xuee jonnae weiting chaywei shiting and all] for shopping.. slept in the bus on the way back to school..

so thn monday..

aft school went for the river cruise. BUT there were only 39 seats and 43 of us. so 4 had to sacrifice. so mr tang, tian rong, char n me decided to walk to the esplanade instaed.

HABITS OF MIND PRACTICED- VOLUNTEERISM. haha!!!!!

hehe best thing is me n char had a mini food trail on the way to esplanade.

we had otah, followed my popiah [which mind you had already shocked mr tang and tian rong cos we were eating so much] and thn when w got to esplanade, the both of us bought bottled drinks and cotton candy, and then went into esplanade and bought frozen banana dips and then mr tang treated us haagendaz again. HAHA

so much!!!

OH YA andand!! we saw the merlion under construction!! hhahaaaaa laughed so much!! so ironical

ok anyway.. me char,xuee and fariz took the schl bus back with our buddies to xms while the rest went to chinatown..

tat evening mummy brought me and michelle to try the local food.. then went around holland so we could stick our heads out of the sunroof.. enjoyed(: then went to macrithce reserviore.. oh! we saw a owner of 8 dogs there!! mummy n michelle are both afraid of dogs so when we saw the dogs, the both of them were trying really hard to act brave [ didnt quite succeed though] haha then homed. looked thru some photos and te durains(:

tuesday.. they were all gg back today.

so had closing ceremony in the library.

then sent them to the airport. i dint think i would cry haha cos it seemed silly as we were gonna meet again in nov, but oh well, the emotional me broke down.

hah so aft that we all left n char and i took a cab with some 2 other guys namely jianwen and i forgot.

then saw maylin wenyi irene and pooty.. they had ther n lvl orals.. [hope they did well]

char n i decided to go to hougang mall to eat haha. so we walked there and laughed alot. as usual.

so on the way, i tot i felt something drop on my head and the first thing i tot was "fuck birdshit" so i asked charmine to check and she scared me by saying yes.

i was screaming!!! then dumb girl told me she was jking. LOL that set us off with another fit of laughter!!!

in the food court, ordered dessert.

char had honeydew sago and i had strawberry ice.

so 2 funny incidents.

first. honeydew sago was supposed to be $2.20 but char asked to add extra sagos and that cost $0.50 but the aunty tot the original price was $1.70 and so in the end charged charmine what the usual price shud be!!! so she saved $0.50

next my strawberry ice. i asked for an extra scoop of ice cream but the aunty scolded me and said there was no space to put it. i was like so shocked cos i was gonna pay for the ice cream but yet she dint allow me to buy it!!!

haha!! then we went to buy coleslaw, mashed potato and potato salad too!!! at first, the lady serving just gave us a small scoop of mashed potato, but when the man saw it was so little, he scooped up what was left in th whole bowl for us!!! so hilarious!!!

food

more food!!

hahaaaa!!! so then we walked back after tht.. to the 74 bus stop i mean.

so when i boarded the bus, char looked into the bus to look for me.haha her face looked so retarded i couldnt hakp giggling abit. then she realized i was missing [cos she looked at the top deck while i was actually at the bottom] then looked so shocked. and finally when we saw me, i laughed so loudly and in bus everyone turned to look and she laughed to herself on the streets. haha!! dumbnes to the max!!!!

so then today back in school was kinda good.. mrs ho let us watch some video on different types of english.. we laughed so much!!!!! then during free period went to look for ira and mj n irene then went to crap. fun!!

and during lunch, me andchar got scolded again... we ordered otah and satay, and dint know the order came, so the lady walked the whole coffee shop looking for us. then when she finally found us, she started scolding us!!! omg we were so shocked!!!!

ok iv typed so much!!

now to end it,

iv just realized, me and charmaine have some things in common.

firstly,me and charmaine have the tenency to try to cover up for the mess we make while eating.

charmaine throws left over food into tea pots when no ones looking, while i, cover up the food iv dropped on the table by using bowls and plate to put over them.

secondly, the both of us share a love for food. we can be the future taitai's to try out food from al over the world.

and lastly, we constantly get scolded by food vendors )>:

exploding bomb

ok. im sick of my fats!!!!!!!!!
iv put on so fucking much weight!!!!
i hate myself for that!
doesnt it depress u if u see yourself piling up with fats?
see the scale rising?
gosh its killing me. but how to continue without food?
foods like my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ah cut my fats away la. dang.

bleach

iv decided to bleach my life. forget all that has ever happened. to start new with a blank page. build up my days from now on..

no more worrying bout friendship that maybe to them are not important..

so today..
lessons were ok.. spent most of the time preparing for the debate.. wasnt very well prepared though..
free period went to 411 to watch exorsism of emily rose. haha funny thing happened. i was sharing a chair with ira and so with the space contraints, we had to sit with our backs to each other.. then there was this one scene which set the whole class screaming.. as we screamed, we moved our haeds together and collided. goodness it hurts till now!!!

so after school went out of school with charmaine jiejie
then back to school for debate. haha i was shaking horribly!!! so nervous!
well.. first speaker was supposed to be nicole.. but was changed to sherman in the end and then 2nd speaker was me and third was reginald..
we lost anyway.. haha
then went to buy candy with charmaine jiejie and waited for mummy to come for the hongkong briefing.. ben joined us shortly after tht. spent time with them on the swing then went for dinner at the coffee shop outside school with mummy..

hello bleached life. start filling your page with meaningful colours and words.

the awakening

this will be short and sweet. [just like me. haha ego-ness lol]
anyway.. i was an emotional wreck today.
through tars i realized that iv just gotta live life this way.
until i eventually find someone i think would understand my reason for doing stuffs..
thank u all the babes and dudes for trying to cheer me up. thank u to ira for being there for me, charmaine for making me feel beter and letting me know im not alone, and to my 2 dearest darlings for giving me endless hugs and encouragements and to all the others who made me smile for one reason or another.

and lastly announcement.
im putting up a tagbord cos this blog is fucking dad. though now not many people know of this change of blod url, i feel happy! cos i dont have to keep worrying bout what i write in this blog.
till we meet again my lovliest keyboard. tata~

-

and i find myself wondering.
why dont i ever get lucky.
i hate the both of u. each one making me feel like a stupid arse.
but why do i keep resenting and act as if its nothing everytime we meet?
im through. i just wanna live by myself. away from singapore. i wanna go away. RIGHT NOW

life

its my sisters birthday party now.. though 3 days late.
family's over and so are a few of my sisters friends..


so there was the xinfony on friday..
cab-ed down to raffles to meet my darlings.. then et leon and off to victoria..
sat with ira and the malay girls on my left and darlings on my right..
the concert itself was kinda boring.. past my time there pretending to be the conductor.
first half were pieces by the main band.. though its like nice to sit and watch the music being played live, it gets kinda boring after some time.. the audience were getting restless and it was shown quite clearly, chatters everywhere..
i wonder how some people bear to part with like 3figure sums to listen to certain musicians playing their pieces.. id rather spend that amount on food and shoppin..
so like during the interval went to the toilet with maylin..
ira left during the halftime..
then after the whole concert went to laopasat for supper.
b4 that was the mistake i'd regret for life.
i dont know what you guys would think of me after whatyou saw. i dint think it would be that obvious. neither did i think the reaction i got from you guys would be so massive. i regret a fucking lot for taking that one thing that mght have changed your impression of me. it wasnt until ben finally talked to me on the way to laopasat that i finally found the reason to why iv been doing it.iv been to ashamed. even till now to tell anybody bout my problems. i guess nobody would understand how i feel even if i shared.. iv been reduced to tears everytime i think about it. my temper has been runnig short. what am i to do? i dont knownow, i just hope my initial impression hasnt changed. i dont wanna have to deal with it. i just dont.
homed after tht


i guess thts all i can go for now. im moodless and i wont make myself feel worse. goodbye

ruined

here i go. crying again for the smallest reason.

so i bouhgt the dress only cos i liked the neckline.
dont you fucking understand????
like i told u wearing a tube inside would make it look fucking hideous but you dont listen.
instead of just helping me alter the bloody dress you buy a spag and expect me to wear it inside. FOR YOUR INFORMATION THATS FUCKING CAMOFLAGES THE FRONT AND HENCE DEFEATS MY PURPOSE OF BUYING THAT DRESS!
you think i wanna be slutty. fuck no. like please la. u think i wanna get attention just cos my neckline is too low???
i wanna tighten the strap so it doesnt reveal too much and you think i wanna show. AH HOW SO I MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND???????????
fucked up.




DAMN SHIT.
i guess i'll just have to do what you want me to dont i. what other choice is there. controler.

uncle richards boots and us

to be a better man

i think iv grown stronger.
so before anything, let me talk bout today.
maylin dint come to school so firstly let me say, get well soon darling. friday is drawing nearer and youv gotta get well by then..
so school was soso.. hamsters are put into different cages now..
during free period went to 408 to help ira pluck her eyebrows..
finally its hair free in the wrong places again..
went to the cnteen with mufian[dunno if i splet correctly], ira and charmaine for a snack.. then back to class to slack. was recess straught after tht. plucked one side of bens eyebrow. haha so he's lke lopsided now.
thn had cme test..
aftr tht was lunch with darlings.[though i din eat]


marie just called.. her tongue peircings half closed. just cos she left it unstuded for 1 hr cos of oral..
and now the stud wont go in. i hope it turns out fine cos i dont want her to go through the many suffering days while it hurts if she has to repierce!!!




now my weight has been upping the scales and im getting fucking worried.
i have no time to exercise and my ankles still not healed and so i cant run.
howwwwwwwwwwwwwww i havent gone for ballet in 1 mth ++ cos of my ankle!
dang i forgot what i wanted to do.
oh ya! ok i finally foud my memory card which means my pictures are gonna be posted up soon!!! yayyyyyyyy
ok so while im off to look for cables and transfering the memory, toodles.

pictures in the next post

back to basics.

im supposed to be finishing my english assignment but heck. so i woke up today feeling really moody and sleepy and i just wished i didnt have to go to school.. but thankfully i did. had a few good lauhs and that brightened things up for me quite a bit. so the class hamsters fought. now the females bleeding.. poorthing. school was looonnnng today. everyone was in was soooo sleepy i swear. anyway.. after school, i met darryl gugu and we went towning.. it was like one of the best days this week [though its only tuesday] it was like i was able to be myslef. dont have to be cautious of what he might think of me. cos i know no matter what, being an "uncle" though he's seriously too young and wacky to be one, he'll always see me as sarah. hah ok im like so not making sense but fuck it. this blog is supposed to be for me to say what i want. so like if others dont understand, try your best. hee well.. met him at amk then headed to town. [in my uniform. ew] walked the whole of taka but couldnt find anything. oh wait i did. hah then headed on to heerens and fareast. I FINALLY FOUND MY GREY NAILPOLISH!! then we headed to novena for dinner with mummy n sis then home.


god, whats wrong with me.im so full of anger now


so yes. technically we'r alright. but boy im sure your clueless about whats going on under the surface. in your mind you think everythings fine. its not. i really dont know how to put it in words or even say it out. its too fuckedup and im just sick. SICK OF EVERYTHING YOU THINK IS OKAY WITH ME. FUCKITFUCKITFUCKIT.

new and fresh

yes. a new blog.
iv cut down on a lot.
no more fancy blogskins, no more links...
im going back to what in my opinion a blog is supposed to be.
just a page for you to write your own opinions and reflects.
everytime i log onto the com, the first thing id do is look at blogs tht contain other peoples life stories.
reading up on whats the ups and downs in their lives.
but recently, iv realized, its the updating of and changes in their lives whch affect me. makes me sad.
cos those changes are that of my friends. its their lives which are changing, moving on without me.
they maybe out there enjoying the company of others while im left behind
im fucking sick of being the doormat everyone wants me to be.
the one who has to be there when something goes wrong.
the one who the blame gets pushed upon.
the one who listens to everyone rants on major happy stuff.
i want to live for myself and not as props for them
hence. frm now, this is MY blog. to talk about the things i like. the things i want to say ABOUT ME.
im sick of being aunt agony as iv been practicaly most of my life.
yes i enjoy seeing people happy. to me darling bestfriends and close friends. sure confide in me. tell me things, cos thats my obligation and honour as a friend to do so. but if your out to show off and expose all your little happy things which you think will make me feel upset. fuck off.
im starting this blog with an intention to forget all previous posts.
to delete all my archive memories from last blogs.
to those whom read this, please do not go around spreading my url.
i just fucking need to be loved